Friendship After Kids: It’s a Mess (But Worth It)
10/8/2024 5:19 pm
Remember when friendship meant spontaneous road trips, sharing clothes, and dancing until dawn? Yeah, me neither. These days, my idea of a wild night out is a trip to Target without kids in tow. Welcome to the friendship evolution: motherhood edition.
Full disclosure: I’m still very much a work in progress when it comes to this whole friendship-and-motherhood balancing act. Despite all the parenting books out there, nothing quite prepares you for navigating friendships while juggling the demands of parenthood. But by sharing our experiences, perhaps we can gain some insights together.
The Great Friendship Shift (or When Motherhood Mixes Up Your Social Life)
Let’s face it: adulthood has a way of reshuffling our social circle faster than a toddler emptying a toy box. Add motherhood to the mix, and suddenly you’re playing 52 Pick-Up with your social life.
I’ve lost touch with more friends than I care to admit. There was Cristy from college (last seen: my wedding, looking fabulous and child-free), and Gavin from work (now just a LinkedIn connection who occasionally likes my sporadic updates). And then there’s my bestie Lauren, who recently moved back to Philly with her fiancé. Our conversations have shifted from planning weekend adventures to me frantically texting her for fashion advice before my first mom’s night out in ages. (No, the shirt with the least visible stains in is not ‘dressy casual,’ apparently.) But here’s the kicker – I’m trying not to beat myself up about any of these changing dynamics. Most of the time, anyway.
In my more optimistic moments, I like to think these “lost” connections are just dormant, like tulip bulbs waiting for spring. Or maybe they’re more like the jeans I’m saving for “someday” – hopeful, but realistically, probably not making a comeback.
Why Friendships Need Nurturing (and Why It’s Harder Than Getting a Toddler to Eat Broccoli)
So why go through all this effort? Well, I’ve realized something lately: this friendship work can be as challenging as getting a toddler to eat anything green or convincing yourself that 5 AM is a reasonable time to start the day. But here’s the thing – it’s absolutely worth it.
Adult friendships seem to require more effort than convincing myself that “mom jeans” are actually cool. (Spoiler alert: they’re not. I’ve tried.)
Between juggling work, family, and the constant existential crisis of “Am I doing this mom thing right?”, it’s easy to let friendships slide. But here’s the thing – making time for friends isn’t just a nice-to-have, it’s as essential as that first cup of coffee in the morning. (You know, the one you’ve reheated three times already.)
For moms, friendship is like a superpower – it gives us emotional support, a sense of identity beyond “Lincoln and Beckett’s mom,” and a chance to remember what it feels like to finish a sentence uninterrupted.
The Intensity of Motherhood (or How I Forgot My Own Name but Remembered Every Line of the Paw Patrol Theme Song)
Becoming a mother is like being cast as the lead in a Broadway show. But the script? Missing. The stage? On fire. And your co-star? A tiny dictator with a flair for improvisation. It’s a transformation that affects everything, including our friendships.
Suddenly, your time isn’t your own anymore. Your priorities shift faster than a baby’s mood after a nap. Some friendships fade as your lifestyles diverge – turns out, not everyone finds your detailed analysis of sleep schedules and organic baby food as fascinating as you do. But even though motherhood can be tough, it can also bring us closer to our friends. The shared experiences we have as moms can make our friendships even stronger.
But here’s the plot twist – motherhood can also create friendships with an intensity that rivals your love for the french fry in the bottom of the bag. The shared experience of motherhood can forge bonds stronger than industrial-strength superglue. There’s nothing quite like the silent nod of understanding exchanged with another mom at the playground when your kid is having a meltdown of epic proportions.
And it’s these intense, shared experiences that often transform casual acquaintances into something much deeper – welcome to the world of mom friendships, where platonic love reaches new heights.
Platonic Love (and When Friends Become Family)
When we’re knee-deep in dirty diapers and sleep deprivation, it’s easy to focus on what we lack. But here’s a thought: we probably have an abundance of love already in our lives, even if it’s not the romantic kind we see in movies.
This love – the love of friends – might not sweep you off your feet in a grand gesture (let’s be real, most days we’re too tired to be swept anywhere), but it offers something equally valuable. It listens without judgment when you need to vent about your partner or your kids. It inspires you to pursue your dreams beyond motherhood, even if that dream is just taking a shower without an audience.
As we grow older, these friendships evolve. The intensity of our platonic loves in our twenties often transforms into something equally profound but different in our thirties and beyond. The best friendships are the ones that retain that enduring fondness, regardless of the frequency of meet-ups – the ones where you can pick things right back up even after a long break, as if no time has passed.
These are the friendships that celebrate your joys (your kid used the potty!) and comfort you in your sorrows (your kid used the potty… on the carpet). They’re the ones who aren’t afraid to be silly with you when you need to let loose (impromptu dance party in the kitchen, anyone?).
They become our chosen family, offering support, laughter, and a sense of home amidst life’s chaos. Sometimes, in the quiet moments between the chaos, I’m struck by how profoundly grateful I am for these friendships. They’re the soft landing when motherhood feels like a free fall.
But what if you’re hoping to expand your circle? Welcome to the sometimes daunting, often rewarding experience of making new friends as a mom.
Vulnerability in Forming New Connections (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Roll with the Awkward Mom Moments)
Making new friends as an adult can feel as daunting as assembling IKEA furniture without instructions. But as moms, we have unique opportunities to connect with others through our children’s activities, school events, and local parenting groups. Whether you’re partnered, single, co-parenting, or any other family configuration, mom friendships don’t discriminate. They’re built on a foundation of shared experiences and mutual understanding, no matter your situation. In the world of mom friendships, there’s room for everyone – because let’s face it, we all speak the universal language of sleepless nights and inexplicable kid logic, whether we’re dealing with toddler tantrums or teenage mood swings.
Yes, it’s okay to feel a bit awkward or even overly enthusiastic about meeting new people. Years ago, at library story time, I got so flustered meeting another mom that I introduced myself as simply ‘Lincoln’s Mom.’ That’s right, I didn’t even tell her my name.
Even just last week, I found myself awkwardly hovering at the edge of a group of moms during Lincoln’s gymnastics class, clutching my emotional support water bottle like a life preserver. I finally mustered up the courage to join in, only to remember I’d spilled coffee all over my entire outfit that morning. The stain on my shirt looked suspiciously like the state of Texas, and the lingering aroma of my Eiland Coffee Roasters Ethiopian Chemex pour over (did I mention I’m a caffeine snob?) announced my presence before I could even say hello. Nothing says “put-together mom” quite like eau de coffee shop and a map of the Lone Star State on your chest.
Balancing Friendships and Motherhood (or How to Maintain Your Sanity in 280 Characters or Less)
Maintaining friendships as a mom feels like trying to keep a soufflé from collapsing while riding the Tilt-A-Whirl at the State Fair of Texas. It takes effort, balance, and a willingness to embrace the chaos. Here are some strategies I’m test-driving (results may vary):
- The Art of the Micro-Catch Up: I’ve become a master of the 10-minute chat. (Yes, even if it means hiding in the pantry for a speed-dial session between mouthfuls of Pringles.)
- Honesty is the Best Policy: I’ve learned to be upfront about my limitations. Turns out, admitting you haven’t showered in days can be just as meaningful as a lengthy coffee date.
- Memes (The Currency of Friendship): Thank goodness for technology. A well-timed gif or a relatable meme can bridge the gap when time is short and the kids are going wild.
- Kid-Inclusive Hangouts: When possible, I bring the kids along. It’s a win-win – they entertain each other, and we get to chat! (At least until someone decides to turn the living room into a fort.)
- Quality Over Quantity: I remind myself that it’s not about how often we meet, but how present we are when we do. Sometimes, a heartfelt emoji chain is all we’ve got energy for, and that’s okay.
The goal? To nurture these friendships like I’m tending to a garden of particularly dramatic orchids – with care, patience, and a healthy sense of humor when things don’t go as planned.
Embracing the Evolution (Because Change is the Only Constant … Besides Laundry)
Just when you think you’ve got this mom-friend thing figured out, your kid hits a new milestone and suddenly you’re back at square one. Toddler tantrums evolve into tween drama, then into debates about curfews and college applications, and your friendships morph right along with them. It’s like playing friendship whack-a-mole, but instead of stuffed animals as prizes, you win shared eye-rolls and synchronized sighs.
I had my own “friendship evolution” moment at Camp Rocky, a fun event the PTA puts on every year at our elementary school. As I chatted with another mom about Nobody Wants This and the unfading appeal of Adam Brody and Kristen Bell, I realized something: I was having an actual, uninterrupted conversation. No need to keep one eye constantly on Lincoln or break off mid-sentence to prevent an art room coup. It felt like a small miracle.
But just as I was basking in this realized freedom, I noticed Lincoln deliberately avoiding his usual playmate – my friend’s son – in favor of some new classmates. That’s when it hit me: as he’s growing more independent, he’s developing his own social preferences. Sometimes, they don’t align neatly with my friendship circle. It’s a bittersweet reminder that our social lives are evolving right along with our kids.
Some friendships will stand the test of time, adapting to each new phase of life. Others may serve a purpose for a season, leaving us with fond memories and valuable lessons. The key is to appreciate each connection for what it is and to remain open to new friendships as we continue our journey through motherhood and life.
These friends – the ones who’ve seen us ugly cry over spilled breast milk and laugh until we pee a little (thanks, childbirth) – they’re the family we chose. Or maybe they chose us. Either way, we’re stuck with them now, and thank goodness for that. They’re the anchors that keep us grounded, reminding us of who we are beyond our roles as mothers, partners, and professionals.
So here’s to the friends who’ve seen us at our best and our worst (usually on the same day). To the ones who bring us coffee, send us memes, and remind us that we’re doing a great job, even when we feel like we’re failing. To the old friends who’ve grown with us, the new friends who’ve joined our journey, and the friends we haven’t met yet who will shape our future villages.
Because in the end, these are the relationships that will sustain us, uplift us, and remind us of the joy and laughter that life has to offer, even on the toughest days of motherhood. And let’s face it, sometimes laughter is the only thing that keeps us from selling our kids to the circus. (I’m kidding… mostly.)
So, moms, I’m dying to know – how are your friendships weathering the storm of motherhood? Whether you’re juggling playdates or prom prep, we want to hear about your friendship wins (or embarrassing fails). Drop your stories in the comments below, or shoot me an email at alicia@allmoms.org.
Remember, I’m right there with you, still figuring out this friendship-in-motherhood thing. By sharing our stories, we’re not just swapping anecdotes – we’re creating a lifeline for each other. Your story might be exactly what another mom needs to hear to feel less alone in her struggles (or to know it’s okay to laugh about them).
Together, I hope we’re building more than just a village – I hope we’re creating a supportive community. A place where “I’ve got your back” means both emotional support and a keen eye for spotting that stray cheerio in your hair.
Here’s to friendship, motherhood, and finding the humor in it all! And remember, every time you share your story, you’re extending a hand to another mom who might be feeling lost in the chaos. We’re in this together!
